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Dear Friends and Benefactors,
In my recent
letters, I have explained the formation that must be given a child from the time
of his birth to the time of his First Communion, and how, fed with this divine
food, he must grow in “wisdom and holiness” in preparation for the teen-age
years. A foundation is laid during the child’s first years; adolescence is the
time to build on that foundation.
If a child
is to attain maturity, one of the necessary conditions is
unity of education:
parents, teachers, and priests must all be on the same page; the practice of the
Faith at home, at school, and at church must be in harmony. The teenager begins
to recognize contradiction when it is there; he notices it, and his intelligence
grasps the incongruity that exists. He does not understand the why of the
contradictions, however, nor is his judgment sufficiently formed to see beyond
them. His natural response to the contradictions he sees is to reject what he
has received under the pretext that it cannot be right, as his educators cannot
agree. Thus the importance of the “doing” corresponding with the “preaching.”
Unity, then,
between the various educators—harmony between the two parents, between the
parents and the priests and the teachers—is essential. How, for instance, will a
child come to consider and value a vocation, or even God’s work in this world,
if the priests and religious who teach him are criticized or shown to be
disapproved? How can we expect a teenager to appreciate and respect the
instruction of his teachers, if they are denigrated or criticized at home, if
their efforts are resisted, if negative comments are made in front of the youth?
How can an adolescent respect and submit to his parents, if they openly argue in
front of him? Problems and disagreement between parents, or between any of those
responsible for education, must be kept and attended to among adults—the child
should never know or even sense the disagreement that may be there. To reveal
disagreement is to bring contradiction into the life of the child, and that
contradiction will undermine all that the educator has endeavored to instill in
him.
A second
point I would like to emphasize is the need for
direction; teenagers
need clear direction and proper distinctions. Never is parental leadership more
necessary than at this time when the passions are so volatile, and when physical
and moral transformation is taking place. The teenager needs to be overseen; he
is not capable of self-guidance, simply because powerful passions are awakening
and he does not yet know how to control them. To pretend otherwise, and allow
him thus to do whatever he wants, or even merely give him too much freedom, is
negligence that at times can amount to criminal. It is true that the teenager
cannot be handled or directed the same way a child is; a teenager needs more
exercise of his freedom, and he must be put in positions where he is obliged to
make his own decisions. Even so, he also needs clear boundaries, guidance, and
firmness—he finds nothing more confusing than limits that are forever changing;
yesterday it was “no,” today “yes”…
Cardinal
Pie, even in his day, said that we do not know how to forbid things to our
children. We are afraid to oppose their whims; we are afraid to restrict or to
ban. Our teens (and even younger children), for example, are allowed access to
the Internet, and that, more dangerously, while alone; they have their Facebook
account; they watch DVDs with no supervision. They are permitted to date at an
age at which they have no right to, sometimes even before they have graduated
from school. They are given use of a personal cell phone. The list goes on… Why
are these things a problem? Why should parents forbid these things? Firstly,
because the teenager has little control over his passions yet, so by these
things we put him into occasions of sin. Secondly, because the new means of
communication mentioned leave the parent with no control over what the child
does or who he connects with. By putting the teenager in these and like
situations, the educator in practice not only contradicts Catholic faith and
Catholic moral teaching, but also leads the young person to uncontrolled habits
from which he may suffer his whole life. How can we wonder that so many people
today are the slaves of bad habit, when for so few the passions were regulated
in their youth?
But, “Which
planet are you from, Father?” some may say. “Our children need to be
skilled with computers to compete in the professional world… They will
get married one day,” and so on. No, what our children really need is help
to become authentic men and women—adults able to use their mind and willpower
properly, able to control their passions; human beings elevated by grace and
capable of following Our Lord Jesus Christ. Even non-Christian experts warn
against the danger the modern social media pose to children. Yet, we tend to
remain blind to that danger, or more precisely, we just do not want to say no;
we don’t want the bother of watching, forbidding, fighting the battles that must
be fought.
The next
point, on this theme of the teenage years, is the fact that the teenager needs
to be pushed. It
is one thing to establish clear limits; it is equally necessary to see that the
teenager looks for great achievement, aims for the Christian ideal. The teen
needs to fulfill his duties, which firstly means his academic studies, and in
this regard he needs to be encouraged and fortified. But he also needs other
activities: sports, music and art, good literature, helping with the needs of
the Church, involvement in parish activities… Keeping the teen occupied with
worthy endeavors goes far in keeping him out of trouble, and provides many an
opportunity for growth of character and confidence. He cannot be permitted to
indulge in a laziness that simply follows the whim of the moment or the path of
least resistance.
We must
lastly emphasize the importance of the sacraments.
Education prepares the ground so God may inhabit the soul, brings the soul to
God and opens it to God so that He may sanctify it; the educator gives the child
the tools he needs to save his soul. This work of sanctification being a
supernatural one, recourse to the sacraments, the primary means of grace, is
essential. The teenager, therefore, must receive the sacraments frequently; he
must go to Confession regularly, and this is especially important for the boys.
The role of parents in this regard is to discreetly provide sufficient
opportunities for these avenues of grace. This is especially true with regard to
confession, which requires a special effort—getting to Mass early, or staying
after when confessions are being heard... The parents can lead also by their own
frequentation of the sacraments–what a great example, when a father takes his
sons to confession, and is himself the first in line! We must be careful,
however. The parents’ sphere of action is limited: they must give a good example
and provide the necessary opportunities, but they cannot force a free soul. It
is a very delicate matter. No one can force a person to receive the sacraments,
and especially not Holy Communion. To put pressure on a child to go to communion
can easily lead to hypocrisy, scruples of conscience, or even sacrilege. The
danger is grave, and that is why a parent or teacher who is worried about a
child not receiving the sacraments should go to the priest about it, but should
never question or pressure the child. To do so is to risk pushing him to
sacrilegious confessions or communions, simply by his fear of being reprimanded.
A parent,
then, must lead by example; he is the child’s model at every age, and continues
to be so even when the child is grown. Example always speaks louder than
anything a parent might say. Nevertheless, there is still one more important
parental duty: to pray
for one’s children. Whatever their age, their situation, their faults… pray
for them. “Should a man lose the spirit of prayer, he will find it again
in his realization of his son’s need,” says Cardinal Pie. Every day until
the end of this life, the father and mother should pray for their children:
asking God to help them in educating them, begging forgiveness for mistakes in
raising them, pleading on their behalf, begging pardon for their sins… The
prayers of a father and mother are powerful; they will bear great fruit both in
this life and in the life to come.
With my
prayers and blessing in the Immaculate Heart of Mary,
Fr. Arnaud
Rostand |
